All the Things You Can Fit Inside a Memory
by eternitysky
Summary: Oh, he knew he would nearly burst at the seams with the attempt /S&G verse/


My meager contribution to the universe created by the goddess mary_flanner and the other talented authors that helped shape it.

I am not worthy!

If you don't know the 'Scholars and Gentlemen' universe or mary_flanner, I would urge you to check out her livejournal! It is my headcanon.

This came about because I was always intrigued by the 'hovering figure' in Blaine and Kurt's Skype conversations.

(The title is taken from Calvin Harris' 'Flashback' – since this whole 'verse is themed by songs)

* * *

_But let there be spaces in your togetherness and let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.__- Khalil Gibran_

It didn't happen too often.

But when it did, it was overpowering and made Kurt choke up in almost-tears, the type that made his nose tingle and his vision blur.

He guessed he should feel bad for thinking of his ex-boyfriend (and now best friend) while lying in bed with his _current_ boyfriend but he couldn't really help himself.

His heart pounded a little too hard in his chest as he imagined Jake's blond tuffs replaced with black curls, the freckled baby-face replaced with olive skin and a strong jaw and he just couldn't quite reign in the guilt.

What was worse, he imagined Blaine's reaction to his thoughts: he would probably laugh and roll his eyes and tell him to put a little more effort into his relationship. Except that wouldn't be Blaine's reaction at all and Kurt wouldn't tell Blaine anyway, because, _awkward. _

Because while they told each other nearly everything, as best friends did, they avoided the subject of their relationship like the elephant in the room that it was.

Perhaps the bigger elephant was that Kurt didn't regret sleeping with Blaine last Christmas (even though Blaine did and he made Kurt feel like he should and _that_ was a whole mess of emotions he wasn't quite ready to deal with) and that he wouldn't mind sleeping with Blaine again.

Okay, '_wouldn't mind_' was an understatement.

Of course, these were private thoughts that he couldn't really share with anyone and would only half-admit to himself late at night when he was left alone to dwell and ponder.

It was only in these quiet moments that he let himself miss Blaine in _that _way and mourn the loss of their relationship. Kurt knew that breaking up for college was the best decision and would probably be what saved their friendship, but Kurt had always been the one to think with his heart.

And his heart told him that when he reached across the bed, he wanted to touch Blaine's arm, not Jake's.  
His heart told him that, during sex, he wanted it to be Blaine's mouth sucking and nipping at his shoulder not Jake's- he wanted _Blaine_ to be inside of him. This was ironic because the many times Kurt had had sex with Jake greatly outnumbered the few times he'd had sex with Blaine (and it would stay that way until many years, tragedies, graduations and a death later as Blaine would hover over him, placing gentle, fluttering kisses all over his body and loving him in the most incredible of ways).

And try as he might, Kurt couldn't simply take these emotions and these wishes, and lock them up tightly in his memories. Oh, he knew he would nearly burst at the seams with the attempt because it was just too much to fit into a memory of '_first boyfriend_'. Blaine would hover and dwell in almost every compartment of his memory because he was Kurt's best friend and his ex-boyfriend and his mentor and his first everything and _so many things_ that seemed silly to find words for because words had limits to their expression and couldn't possibly encompass everything that Blaine was to Kurt.

And Jake could tell. He'd hovered over countless Skype conversations Kurt had with Blaine and really? It wasn't too difficult to decipher the enthusiasm laced in every conversation Kurt had with Blaine; enthusiasm that was missing from Kurt's interactions with Jake.

Somewhere in the back of his mind Kurt half-acknowledged the fact that the chemistry and attraction between himself and Blaine were painfully obvious to anyone who wasn't them.

Which is why he was only half-surprised when Jake decided to break up with him.

"It's not you, it's _him._"

_Oh._ Like he hadn't heard that one before.

He briefly wondered how many times he'd hear that again before any of it started to make sense, before he'd start to see how this puzzle was supposed to fit.

* * *

Fin.

If you are familiar with the S&G universe, I wrote this before I read 'Courage, Teach me to be Shy' by Caveat Empty and it's just been sitting in my computer storage as I've gathered the courage to post it (because wow the people who write for this universe are talented). There are random similarities that were completely unintentional but kind of funny because it means that there are some parts of the S&G universe that really burn into readers' memories. I don't know, maybe this could happen after Kurt's 'whoring phase'?

Please tell me what you think


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